Introspect

Don’t know, don’t care.
Liar.
OK, here’s the truth:
Don’t know, do care.
There is so much. The lack of so much in the life of one I love more than anything.
Care more than the person who should care.

Don’t know, do care.
Don’t know, but yearn to know, long to know. If I know, maybe I can finally comprehend.
Yet at the same time, I don’t want to know.
Not knowing is wiser and safer. Comprehending is not an option anyway.
But yet, going deep
Where my longings stand strong even when everything I see should obliterate them
I want to relate to, identify with, and understand the one who forever has my heart.
I want a response that mirrors mine: relate to, identify with, understand.
So that there is a relationship built on trust and mutual respect.
But current reality mandates that this is not what is and may never be.
Because I can’t make the effort on both sides.
Hard truth is that I can’t make another want what I want.

Oh, how I yearn to fully, freely love without fear of pain.
I have tried so hard to connect where there is no connection.
There is nothing provided for me to connect to.
Experience guides me away from more violent self-destruction.
So instead, I choose to love deeply, intensely, and quietly.
And I work to accept and move on and really live.
But I pray for a day when my acceptance is replaced with miraculous restoration.

Published by laurismith88

I have always enjoyed writing. Seeing my heart on a page helps me learn about God, about life, and about me. God has called me to take this passion to the next level by sharing it. My hope is that as you read what God has laid on my heart to share, you will be positively impacted.

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