The Battering Ram

Trying and failing. Again.

At times when I allow my mind to tread silently down that path and look

I see that others make it work

And work so beautifully

I know I should not compare

But it seems that they have that Something

That has for so long been unattainable to me.

So much is so wrong

Sometimes I feel like there is no common ground

It’s like watching Olympic gymnasts. They work hard but all spectators see is the beauty.

I work hard too. But there is no beauty to behold.

I find myself

Trying and falling down. Again.

Opening my heart

And running full on into a wall.

Falling backwards and landing in an ungraceful clumsy heap

All arms and legs in a tangle

Breathless

Pulling myself together to get back up

But there is no sense of balance to help me so it’s a slow and arduous process.

This is what is. A logical statement of fact, my reality.

Oh, how I long for so much more

 

But all I am allowed to see is the wall.

A mighty fortress

Formidable and strong from years of reinforcement

Intense, exhausting, time consuming labor

And brilliant engineering that is unrecognized and not even known to exist

Yet I propel myself with all I have and try to break through

Throwing myself full force against the unforgiving unmoving stronghold

That keeps the real out of life.

That keeps safe distance between what can hide and what can’t.

You would think that after a while I would be immune to the pain

But it’s fresh, new, and sharp

Every. Single. Time.

It’s different now than it used to be

Current pain for current times.

I’m different now than I used to be

And I see the reality of the struggle

It’s not my struggle that matters.

My struggle is irrelevant when I choose to look upon

The whole scary incredibly sad picture.

But that truth does nothing to stop my pain.

I yearn to shift my focus like I’m supposed to

Choose supernatural joy and live that way

I pray for that. But the journey hasn’t reached that point.

Why?

I don’t know

So I just keep moving and waiting

And regrouping to take another shot at the wall.

 

 

Published by laurismith88

I have always enjoyed writing. Seeing my heart on a page helps me learn about God, about life, and about me. God has called me to take this passion to the next level by sharing it. My hope is that as you read what God has laid on my heart to share, you will be positively impacted.

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