Archive for May, 2016

A Sudden Dawning

More transparency from me.  A sequel of sorts.  And well, since I’m detail obsessed and orderly by nature,  “Part 2” has to follow “Part 1”, right?   If you know me, you are smiling right now.  Glad to see that smile.  🙂

So yes, there was a season of sadness.  There was prayer to shift my focus from myself to God.  Well, God answered my prayer and dramatically shifted my focus from myself, but not in the way I envisioned.  Now my job is to complete the transition to place my trust and hope and faith in the only One who can save.  Another chapter in my life’s journey, a progression in the process of God drawing me to Himself.  I’ve said this before but it bears repeating:  My God is so very patient.

A sudden dawning
A shaft of light, a thin line in the darkness
Bright, harsh and hard, piercing, shining for an instant and then gone
Bleak illumination.

But I didn’t see
So focused on my own limited vision in the shadows
My sadness and frustration and what I thought I was seeing
That I didn’t see

So God reached down and pulled me out of myself
To show me that moment when the light revealed the pathway
And the lone figure there

Everywhere broken
Pieces dangling and barely hanging on
Attached with… ordinary tape and sheer self will
Constant repair for temporary resolution that is no resolution
When there is movement, pieces fall and shatter
More pieces
Broken and bleeding from picking them up
Taping them back
Through the pain

Oh. My. God.
Forgive me

Completely covered in broken pieces
Made up of broken pieces
All brokenness
No wholeness no healing no help
No hope
False hope that denies the enormity of what is
A reassurance of improvement that falls flat
Empty words
Too busy moving and hurting and bleeding and taping and pretending

I see.  I see with painful clarity.

And I see what’s coming
That quick glimpse of bright light shines down the road
Revealing imminent danger
Shards of explosive pain
As everything so painstakingly held together

I’m afraid
And I know I need to let go of the scene playing out in my mind in various ways
The outcome is not within my reach
Yet I grasp for what I can’t hold or control or fix
I long to save

But there is only one Savior.

Isaiah 43:11:  I, I am the Lord, and besides me there is no Savior.

Zephaniah 3:17:  The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.


A Gradual Dawning

A time for transparency.

A season of sadness.  We all have them.  Sometimes a tragedy, a crisis, will rock our world and a new and unexpected season slams upon us with the force of a tornado.  But other times, there can be a gradual dawning of a time of darkness.  For me, this is one of those times.  A time when I cling to what I know, and work through what I feel, with the otherworldly confidence I have in Jesus Christ.  I share this for everyone who struggles in the darkness of the soul.  There is light.  It is there.  He is there.  Receive and acknowledge His truth.

A gradual dawning
But not of light
A dawning of darkness
Engulfing darkness
A progression that moves slowly
Piece by piece, time by time, moment by moment
To inevitable painful reality affirmed again
And again
A wakeup call that makes slumber a longing
A reality that makes everything before feel like pretense
Before when there was a glimmer, a glimpse, a possibility of a different dawning
That I touched and marveled at
And allowed myself to believe
A lie
Or was it truth that is gone?

A weariness in the deepest corners
Of my soul.

There is no storm
Only silence in the dark
Yet different
I have allowed this to come upon me
And now it surrounds all of me

Why do I feel waves crashing
Why do I feel like I’m drowning
When the ocean is calm?
Yet there are waves that can’t be seen
Only felt
And felt
And felt
The rhythm of the ocean beneath the calm
The internal storm rages

The gradual dawning brings no morning
No new day
Only the same
The waves have a heartbreaking pattern
Stuck on repeat.

Habakkuk 3:18-19
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.